lemonyrage asked:

Wow that doctor sounds like an ass. I always felt like the doctors I saw had some kind of contempt held against me because I was overweight and they thought I just wanted an excuse for being fat. It's so dehumanizing. And then they always put you on a "conservative" dose so they don't "over-correct". Like, spare me dude, I would love to be over-corrected! I feel like my family also has been kind of rude and expected me to drop all my weight after starting meds. Totally didn't happen lol.

Ultimately Untitled Answer:

I don’t think that people get that even after being treated it is extremely hard to loose weight. AND it doesn’t just stop at weight gain, with hypothyroidism you also get vitamin deficiencies (that my doctor didn’t tell me about until after I was potassium and calcium deficient). And all of that under-correcting to keep from over correcting makes it worse on your body. When I was first diagnosed at 12 my doctor had the option to outright kill my thyroid and he chose to let it die on its own. I had to go to high school, unable to play p.e. or do any sports, and then when I went from hyperthyroid to hypo I gained at least thirty pounds in three months. Hows that to boost a 13 year old freshman girl’s self esteem in high school? I think the main issue is that the disease is looked at as only affecting a physical body and not as affecting a person’s social life or their self esteem. My family really didn’t get it either, my aunt started having people spy on me at school to make sure I didn’t eat more than I was allowed when I didn’t loose weight on the pills. (Pretty ridiculous). 

I love cheesecake but that’s not why I am fat.

My  name is Shy and I am sick. I am not sick in a way that you can see it. OR rather, I really am. Today I went into a doctor and told him that I was ill. I explained my nine year illness and he looked at me like I was stupid. Being young and fresh into the world of adult hood, it was hard to keep my illness in check. It was expensive to drive to the specialist, and my insurance wouldn’t cover my $300 visits. Today I was treated like an idiot. I was treated like a lazy, lying, idiot. My doctor scolded me for not going to the doctor sooner, then scolded me for seeing him without the proper insurance. Then he said that I was lying about my eating habits. Because I have had this illness I have discovered the truth about being sick. No one really listens. I held myself together until I got out to the car. I cried, and sobbed. I blamed my body, and for the first time I wished that I had never had this disease. I usually look at bad things as obstacles that God has placed in front of me to overcome. Today, I wanted nothing more than to come home, find a carving knife and carve out the diseased, broken, disgusting thyroid gland out of my body that has made me struggle so much. Sadly, being sick doesn’t stop at being sick. This disease has metaphorically poisoned me,it spreads like mold through my insides and rots out my happiness. People don’t seem to understand, and there are days that I wish I could leave the house in a giant t-shirt that spells it out. My disease has caused depression, something that I didn’t want to believe in. When everything is fine, I am sitting in a corner crying, wishing that everything would go dark. I wish that I could have a week in an unbroken body, it would be like a beautiful vacation. But I know that that is not reality. I have gained weight, on top of more weight, on top of more weight. I have been prodded by people. People have hurt me, made backhanded compliments. When I try to make correlations of healthy living with anyone, they look at me like I am an ignorant idiot. Not understanding the exhaustion I go through. They don’t understand that it takes all of me to do simple tasks, and lately, its taken a lot to even talk. I sat in the doctor’s office today dreading that I would have to explain everything I was going through to a doctor that ultimately didn’t want to listen. At home it takes a lot to talk to the people I love. I dread interaction because interacting is so difficult to do. It is difficult to think. When I am not happy, I do things alone, I don’t talk, I go into a type of hiding. After the doctor’s appointment today I didn’t even want to talk to my fiance about the pain I was feeling. He asked me if I wanted to vent and I shook my head no. He told me it would be okay. I would feel better soon. I told him that that didn’t work. With this disease there was no “Ill feel better later” because later I will still have to have the blood tests, I will still have to drive an hour to see a doctor. I will still have to be on hold, waiting for someone to tell me what pills I have to take and what amount. I will have to wait through weeks of pain before I can see a doctor, then I will have to go through more time to have them diagnose my problems. But what is worse, is that sometimes the pills won’t help. Sometimes I will feel terrible and nothing can be done because the levels in my blood doesn’t match up to my pain. It won’t get better soon. This post isn’t to make people feel bad for me. But a challenge to people to keep their mouths shut and their eyes to themselves if they have nothing nice to say, or if they can’t handle lazy not being the only thing that causes fat. Many people look at me as a lazy, selfish, self pitying fat girl. That is the way that the doctor treated me today, that is the way that many people treat me, people I know and people off the street. I made a correlation today between me and a Dexter’s lab episode. You 90’s kids might remember the episode where he dyes his hair blonde for a day and everyone treats him better. Everyone steps aside and acts courteously, people give him a free pass, because he must be a fun loving blonde who has a sunny view on everything, because he is blonde. (If you don’t know the episode it is on Netflix). I feel that being skinny is very similar to being blonde in this episode. I remember when I was thinner and my hair was fuller and I had more energy because my disease was under better control, I was a teenager and my Aunt drove me to my appointments for my specialist and I was on her insurance and I didn’t have to eat crappy food that I could afford. I was treated very differently, people complimented me, I would talk to people about working out and they wouldn’t look at me like I was crazy. People generally looked at me more like a human being, people were nice. Now I feel like a monster that crawled out from under someone’s bed on some days. The only place I feel wanted and welcome is a plus size store in the mall. I went through JC pennies looking for a size 16 pair of jeans and felt miserable because none in my size were stylish, or barely my age, same thing even in the plus size department in forever 21. I finally found my happy in a pair of 55 freaking dollar jeans in Torrid, (Happy? yes. Broke? even more so.) But walking through the mall I got stares unless i was walking around with John. I got the “You know that won’t fit you right?” or the “That won’t look good on a fatgirl” look from a few chicks wandering isles. I smiled at them and ignored their stupidity. But sometimes I just want to slap the ignorance out of them. And sometimes, I want to wear a t-shirt telling them that the past 40 pounds I have gained, has been because of a stupid thyroid disease that I didn’t bring upon myself. It would be different if say, all I do is sit at home and eat Twinkies all day. I won’t lie, I don’t starve myself, I eat when I am hungry. And I have to admit I could be doing more physical activity, I don’t do much since I have been getting headaches, and since exhaustion has set in. But I was going to the gym, and during the time that I was going to the gym, I gained weight, even though I was also eating less. Anyways… I have to put it out there that looks are the representation of things, but you cant put cause with effect if you don’t understand all of the causes. I am not lazy, I am exhausted, I am not fat because I love food so much that I can’t keep myself from eating, I am fat because of a disease, a disease that makes loosing weight damn near impossible. Don’t look at me and judge me, when you know nothing about me. For that matter, don’t judge anyone. Unless you are in their shoes or in their body,YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. And another thing, I don’t hate my fat body. I hate the way that people look at my fat body. I hate the way that people treat me like all I am is a FAT BODY. I AM A HUMAN FUCKING BEING, TRY TREATING ME LIKE ONE! Thanks and sorry for the language but sheesh…. Stupid people…. 

being fat thyroid disease self esteme body positive depression judgement life

What is body positive?

I’m a little upset right now because I have been reading a lot about how body positivity isn’t a good thing if it celebrates hourglass shaped plus size women. I’m a little confused. Because I thought that body positive is not just celebrating fat women, its celebrating all body types and loving them regardless. I tag my paintings as body positive, not because they are supposed to be all fat bodies that by social standards are supposed to be skinny. I tag them as body positive because I am trying to spread the idea that all bodies are equal and beautiful, especially those with flaws, such as the painting of the mermaid with MASTECTOMY scars. She may not be very overweight but people who have those issues with their bodies need to know that regardless of their weight, they should love themselves and feel that they are beautiful. I try to draw and paint bodies of all shapes and sizes, meaning that i will draw an hourglass shaped girl once in a while, and I will draw a thin girl who is battling not feeling beautiful for one reason or another. I draw them in the light in which i see them. Which is beautiful. ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL. THAT IS BODY POSITIVE! 

body positive body postive art fat mastectomy self esteme skinny thin chubby hourglass pissed off artist

"Mermaids" Vitiligo and Mastectomy are the subjects in this watercolor. [TRIGGER WARNING, mentions cancer, death, bullying, surgery.] My brother has Vitiligo on his face and neck. He struggled growing up because bullies thought he wore make-up. He was tortured by his classmates and eventually had to change schools because the bullying. I personally find vitiligo beautiful. It reminds me of watercolor; dropping water in dark paint, it disperses and creates the most beautiful patterns and shades. Like a masterpiece on the body, no matter how small, or large the patches are, it is beautiful. The second subject of this painting, I cannot even begin to understand. Mastectomies. I painted the pink mermaid because I know so many women who have died from breast cancer. Some of them were told that the best thing to do during their fight with cancer would be to get either a single or a double mastectomy. None of them did. I remember distinctly while talking to one of them, she said the reason she didn’t get the procedure done, is because she would no longer be beautiful. I just found out that she passed away a month and a half ago. I know that scars are hard to live with, I know that many feel that scars are ugly. But every scar that is on your body is a tattoo, documentation of where you have been, your battles, and your adventures, and no matter how torn, or how crooked, or how lumpy, or twisted your scars may be, they make up a beautiful story, and a beautiful masterpiece, that is your body. -Watercolors by Shy Cross

"Mermaids" Vitiligo and Mastectomy are the subjects in this watercolor. [TRIGGER WARNING, mentions cancer, death, bullying, surgery.] My brother has Vitiligo on his face and neck. He struggled growing up because bullies thought he wore make-up. He was tortured by his classmates and eventually had to change schools because the bullying. I personally find vitiligo beautiful. It reminds me of watercolor; dropping water in dark paint, it disperses and creates the most beautiful patterns and shades. Like a masterpiece on the body, no matter how small, or large the patches are, it is beautiful. The second subject of this painting, I cannot even begin to understand. Mastectomies. I painted the pink mermaid because I know so many women who have died from breast cancer. Some of them were told that the best thing to do during their fight with cancer would be to get either a single or a double mastectomy. None of them did. I remember distinctly while talking to one of them, she said the reason she didn’t get the procedure done, is because she would no longer be beautiful. I just found out that she passed away a month and a half ago. I know that scars are hard to live with, I know that many feel that scars are ugly. But every scar that is on your body is a tattoo, documentation of where you have been, your battles, and your adventures, and no matter how torn, or how crooked, or how lumpy, or twisted your scars may be, they make up a beautiful story, and a beautiful masterpiece, that is your body. -Watercolors by Shy Cross

Vitiligo Mastectomy Body Positive skin mermaids breast cancer pink mermaid pink woc

I hate being in pain, but I notice that emotional pain helps me to create artwork that has much more feeling to it…

I’ve been hurt a lot lately. By friends, by random people, and by family. I had to quit my job because, unfortunately, my thyroid condition is causing my joints to break down. My Sacroiliac joint is what is giving me the most trouble now, and it hurts all the time. I can’t work normal jobs anymore because of the pain and I’m only 21. But within all of that pain and stupid crap that has been happening to me, I notice that I’m creating more. I realize that I am starting to put my pain and discontent into my art. Ill have work up soon to show what I mean…. its a hard trade off right now, because I love creating art that leaves impact, but being in pain, and being heartbroken is so so so very hard…. 

art artist pain emotion the troubles of a sick person pain and creation

You make me uncomfortable….

"Your body makes ME uncomfortable"…. If i said this to the masses of skinny girls wearing extremely revealing clothes I would be told to shut up. I would be told that it isn’t nice to tear a beautiful girl’s self esteem down. But yet, I have been told to cover up a million times. I have been told that my stretch marks creep people out, I’ve been told that crop tops are only made for people without bellies. I’ve been told that two pieces will only be available for me to wear if i go down six or so sizes. Not only have i heard it, but I hear people say, “I know that my extra skin makes people uncomfortable so i will make myself uncomfortable by wearing huge t-shirts when I go swimming”. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of there being a standard for thin girls as well as for fat chicks. Even men get nagged by standards, especially in the summer time. I’m more than fed up with people being told that they are “ALLOWED” to wear certain clothes and others are not. People seem not to understand that a body is a body. A fat girls body is the same as a skinny girls body but with more body fat. Body fat isn’t even a bad thing if you think about it. Fat isn’t gross, everyone has it, no matter how skinny you are, you have fat, and if you don’t you’re probably dead or you will die very soon. Point being, everyone has it, it’s not foreign, its not a parasite, its not a disease that you can catch by looking at a fat person, so what is the big deal? Scars are the same, I have scars on every part of my body from my face to my toes, and I’m sure that everyone in the world has at least one scar. But yet people have come up to me and looked at my six inch long, half inch wide stretch marks and have shivered. It might be scary looking, but it’s just a scar, its an outward representation of my battle with two thyroid diseases that I CANNOT CONTROL. I have spent my life uncomfortable, I spend my days finding anti-chaffing creams and lotions that promise to make my stretch marks go away, I have spent most of my summers worried that my stomach or my scars will make people gag. But no more. I’m not going to skip wearing shorts in the summer to keep people from commenting on my scars, I’m not going to wear an uncomfortable bathing suit just because people cant handle my body. And if people have something to say, I’ll just tell them the truth, “My body is just like your body, the proportions are just different. I have a thyroid but it doesn’t work, I have more fat on my body, but you have fat too, and yeah I have scars, but don’t you too? You and I are the same, and If you want me to cover up my body, then maybe you should cover up yours too.”

fat body positive uncomfortable scars stretch marks streangth thyroid disease graves disease Hashimoto's Disease chubby summer shame freedom

"Nara" -India Ink, pen and watercolor. I wanted to paint a beautiful girl with an octopus, since this is my first octopus I think i did alright. I got a bit of criticism from one of my narrow minded family members for drawing the girl the way I did (not white and skinny). But I think she’s freaking beautiful! http://fatbabexo.tumblr.com/ is the blog of the girl who inspired this piece. 

"Nara" -India Ink, pen and watercolor. I wanted to paint a beautiful girl with an octopus, since this is my first octopus I think i did alright. I got a bit of criticism from one of my narrow minded family members for drawing the girl the way I did (not white and skinny). But I think she’s freaking beautiful! http://fatbabexo.tumblr.com/ is the blog of the girl who inspired this piece. 

Ocean Octopus Body Positive art painting india ink watercolor shy cross Pen hair water ocean ocean animals marine aquatic fat art